


Leorio Sticks His Dick in an ATM Machine

by Grapefruit Pussy (partyrockersinyourmom)



Series: HxH Crack Cinematic Universe [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships, M/M, Other, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:09:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29600865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/partyrockersinyourmom/pseuds/Grapefruit%20Pussy
Summary: One night, Leorio finds himself excruciatingly horny. He decides to indulge in his love of money.
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Leorio/ATM Machine
Series: HxH Crack Cinematic Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174772
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. The ATM Machine

The night was overcast and devoid of starlight. A bespectacled man paced the dirty sidewalk with a crooked tie. He was horny and also wanted money. The light of an ATM machine screen reflected against the round lenses of his glasses. He pivoted on his heels. His hot breath fogged up the screen as he hunched over against it. He could’ve sworn he felt a jolt of electricity on the tip of his 9 foot long penis. Despite the chill of the night air, he was sweating through his suit. The slot from which the money was ejected was greased with fresh oil. Leorio licked his lips. He took one of the atm buttons between his thumb and finger like a nipple. He ran his thumb over the button that had been punched and roughed up by so many other ambitious men just like him. Once he pulled himself closer to the boxy machine, rubbing his lean, muscled body against the plastic, there would be no going back. The money ejection slot seemed to grow wetter in arousal. In the back of his mind, Leorio knew it was just a machine, but his shame had left him long ago. His fingers were soft and lithe, despite the callouses that had hardened during the hunter exam. He ran these gentle fingers across the slit once, twice, and again, determining it wet enough to begin. Nobody was on the street. Leorio walked a bit to the left and right, checking around the corners. One could never be too careful. It was safe, so he unbuckled his belt and laid it across the top of the machine. His pants button and the elastic rim of his underwear fell away just as easily in his lust-fueled haste. He was fully erect now, his 3 yard long cock, which magically stayed caged in his underwear in disuse, shined in the screen’s light like a finely honed blade. He steadied himself by placing a hand on the machine’s shoulders and then began to penetrate. The tip of his dick glided beyond the surface like a dolphin soars effortlessly through the ocean. The cold metal interior bent around his THICC member, forever changed by his flawless veiny cock. Soon, his body was once again parallel to the machine, his entire dick buried deep inside the machine. He pulled his hips backward and then moved them close to the machine again with agonizing slowness.  
“Please swipe your card faster,” the robotic voice cried. Leorio took it as a sign. He threw his ass out and then slammed his cock into his metallic lover over and over again. It made a sound like playground equipment being tortured under the weight of ten fat kids on a rampage.  
“Ohhhh yeah," he moaned in ecstasy. For several minutes he was locked in this euphoric, almost overwhelming dance, until some little bitch decided to interrupt him.  
“Leorio, is that you? Leorio, what on earth are you doing!” the high pitched voice of reason wailed at him in exasperation.  
“K-Kurapika? What are you doing here?” Leorio gasped in surprise, his sense of guilt returning with a hefty thud against his insides.  
“I was just minding my own business. What are YOU doing?” Leorio could practically feel the blond man’s eyes blazing into him. He tried to pull himself free of the ATM, but it wouldn’t release him.  
“You have no right to judge me!” he cried, furiously thrusting, this time in an attempt to free himself. The sound of Kurapika facepalming resounded in the night air.  
“Are you stuck?” he inquired in a frustrated voice.  
“Uh… Maybe,” Leorio admitted, ceasing his futile fight against the deflowered machine.  
“What’s your plan now?” he demanded.  
“I thought you were the smart one!” he yelled again.  
“Quiet! If anyone hears this, they’ll find you completely defenseless.”  
“Right. Between you and me, I don’t have a plan.”  
“I knew it,” he sounded almost satisfied. “I can’t believe you’re relying on someone else, namely me, to fish you out of trouble again.”  
“You don’t have to rub it in. Just help me.” He hastily added, “Please.”  
“I suppose if I don’t, it’ll be a bigger problem. This is just like when we opened that door at the Zoldyck estate. We both have to pull at the same time,” Kurapika explained, wrapping his arms around Leorio’s waist. “Ready?”  
“As I’ll ever be.” With that, Leorio threw his ass backwards towards Kurapika and they tried with all their strength to dislodge his humongous penis from the ATM. It took seventeen tries and a VERY sore cock, but they managed to get it out. Leorio toppled backwards, crashing backwards and slamming Kurapika into the pavement in the process.  
“Ow.” It was more a statement than an expression of pain.  
“Sorry,” Leorio replied.  
“Your, uh, penis is still out,” Kurapika replied.  
“Scared it’s bigger than yours?” he taunted.  
“When will you ever learn?!” Kurapika screamed, leaping up to be eye to eye with Leorio.  
“I’m right, aren’t I?” A grin spread across his stubble-covered face.  
“No.” The reply was sharp and confident.  
“Prove it.”

And that’s the story of how Leorio and Kurapika ended up comparing dicks and possibly making out in the middle of a street at 2:30 am. Leorio broke his dick so he had to bottom.


	2. The Horny Police

“Are you done humiliating me, Leorio?” Kurapika jabbed at the disheveled, lanky man beneath him.  
“I don’t know, Kurapika, are you going to take your dick out of me soon?” Leorio snapped back.  
“I’m just avenging that poor ATM! You should be ashamed!” he cried as he thrusted harder.  
“It was one time!” he gasped in between heavy pants.  
“It was 15 minutes ago! I have every right to still be infuriated!” Kurapika chided.  
“Fine. Keep fucking me, I don’t care,” Leorio relented. He felt like he had to act coy, but he secretly enjoyed it more than the initial incident with the ATM. If his dick hadn’t been completely shredded by the inside of the machine, he would’ve had a throbbing erection. He bit his lip to keep from crying out from the intense sensation.  
Sensing how close Leorio was to the edge, Kurapika leaned over and whispered in his ear, “Leorio, take that back.” With that, he couldn’t control himself anymore. Kurapika’s hot breath on his ear and the constant euphoric sliding of his dick inside Leorio overwhelmed his senses until all he knew was the explosive pleasure pouring out of his every orifice.  
“OUAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!” he screamed as cum poured out of his shattered penis. The pain mixed with the intense pleasure and created a new feeling that Leorio was scared he liked.  
Kurapika chuckled and withdrew his penis. He straightened his tunic without a hint of the exhaustion that Leorio expressed.  
“Did you cum?” Leorio asked, his loins burning in satisfaction with the assumption he’d satisfied the other man.  
“No, I did not ejaculate,” he stated, barely concealing a smirk. Leorio tried to pretend he wasn’t burnt.  
“Liar!” he shouted, feeling a lump form in his throat and behind his eyes.  
“Fine. Believe what you want. I’m done with you.” With that, he shoved Leorio square in the chest and began to flee in a huff.  
“Wait!” Leorio’s mouth moved before he could think.  
“What?” Kurapika snarled. His face looked angry, but his eyes told all. They were still the dull grey of his contact lenses, displaying his true feelings clearly: he was toying with Leorio, and Leorio liked it.  
“Give me another chance. I won’t finish so quickly this time. Please,” He clutched Kurapika’s shoulders and begged.  
“Why should I?” His words were abrasive, but he drew closer until Kurapika’s head was almost resting against the crook of Leorio’s neck.  
“Hey, I don’t like being messed with! You know why!” Leorio dodged, idly stroking Kurapika’s back with his hand.  
“I want to hear you say it,” Kurapika demanded anyway, moving his hips against Leorio’s and gazing up into his brown eyes. Kurapika’s body felt so warm and firm and present. He didn’t want to speak or move or think. If the world had ground to a halt in that moment, he wouldn’t have cared. The hollow ache deep within his ribcage that he had grown accustomed to was suddenly filled to the brim with warmth and calm. He could have melted into Kurapika.  
Though both of them denied it with fervor, they could have lingered in each other’s arms for eternity. Kurapika held his breath, waiting on the ‘I love you’ that would allow him to let his guard down and let his true feelings float to the surface.  
Leorio moved his mouth right next to Kurapika’s ear, and in a low, gravelly voice, he uttered, “I play Pokémon Go every day; I play Pokémon Go. I play Pokémon Go every day; I play Pokémon Go.” The world seemed to spin around and then blink out all at once. The sweet, warm feeling within Kurapika fizzled out like a drenched fire and a fog filled his head. He staggered backwards and miraculously stayed on his feet. His mouth formed a narrow line across his face. He had much to say, but couldn’t bear to speak.  
“The pikachu ears stay on,” Kurapika stated, looking into Leorio’s eyes with a dull glare.  
“During sex? You want to have sex again?” Leorio inquired, hopeful.  
“No, they stay on while we fight. No nen, I’m just going to punch you,” he explained with a monotone voice and an empty expression. Leorio wished he would yell at him or be cocky or sweet, anything other than violent indifference.  
“I love you,” he offered in a small, defeated voice, more for his own conscience than for Kurapika.  
“You could’ve said it earlier. It’s too late now,” Kurapika maintained his facade of indifference, although he desperately wanted Leorio to know he reciprocated. He stepped forward and took off his tunic, leaving only his undershirt, and raised his fists. Leorio removed his jacket and zipped his pants back up. His belt was still on top of the ATM, but he didn’t feel like grabbing it. Reluctantly, he too put up his hands.  
“Okay, here we go,” Leorio egged himself on. He threw a right hook, but Kurapika dodged it and hit him just below the ribs. It rattled him in a way that made him a tad queasy. Leorio threw a left, but he was weaker on that side so Kurapika countered it easily. He hit Leorio square in the chin, just hard enough to make him see stars. Leorio finally landed a punch, right in Kurapika’s stomach. Kurapika reeled forward and struck Leorio in the chest. He suspected that hitting his bones so directly had hurt Kurapika’s fist more than it had hurt him, because Kurapika staggered backwards a bit.  
A rough, yet gentle hand on both of their shoulders stopped them in their tracks.  
“Hey, now. I know you gentlemen are very close. What’s going on here?” It was Barack Obama, ever the voice of reason. Neither could answer.  
“I’m sorry, Kurapika,” Leorio relented.  
“No, I’m sorry. I came up with the idea to fight,” Kurapika admitted. They embraced once again, feeling the warmth of each other’s bodies in the chilly pre-dawn air. They swayed back and forth gently like plants flowing in the breeze.  
“I didn’t just come here to break up your fight, you know. I came to warn you, Leorio. The Horny Police are on your trail. You have very little time left to run, but I believe you can make it,” Former President Obama explained in a grim voice.  
“I thought nobody saw me fuck the ATM,” he muttered, flabbergasted.  
“The horny police see everything. It’s a wonder you’re not in Horny Jail already. Anyway, I have to go, I can’t risk them coming after me too. Kurapika, I trust you to help him escape.” With that, Obama was gone, leaving the pair alone with the rising sun.  
“It’s almost 5:30 am. We need to get out of here.” Kurapika released Leorio from his arms and began to walk in the direction opposite the ATM. He checked behind him to make sure Leorio was following, which he was, and broke into a sprint. The horny police would not take them-- he swore he’d guarantee it. With hardened resolves and softened dicks, the duo fled the city.


End file.
